Category: relationships

When Men Hurt

if men don't cry...society will

Western societies continue to evolve on all levels. The shifting focus and inter dependency of gender roles on our social well being is taking a somewhat obviously subtle turn towards violence and retribution. In the twentieth century it was the women and children who were regarded as being the helpless ones in the context of situations involving domestic violence or relationship breakdown.

The empowerment of our independently driven women over the last decade has brought a fair deal of balance to the vulnerabilities of the sexes. In fact, our females have almost been enclosed by a legal regulatory frame work that acts as a force shield from the traditional domestic disputes and conflicts.

The socialization of both genders has seen our females in general not being invited to empathize with any emotional vulnerabilities of the opposite sex. The men also have been ruthlessly trained that a critical criteria which determines manhood is to not show any sense of emotional fear, intimacy or failure, especially as it relates to their relationships.

The unwelcomed reality is that after many decades of man being the sexually dominant figure and the economic centrepiece in the home, men are now having to face some hard changes. Their women are no longer willing to just be a frightened puppy when the treacherous situations of cheating and insensitivity pop up in their intimacies. Ladies are actually prepared now to move out and move on with their lives, largely due to the supportive frame work put in place over the years.

On the other hand, men are finding that, as their home lives deteriorate, they have no one or nowhere to really go to for some sort of solace or resurgence. They definitely cannot approach their brethren with whom they hang out and share their inner pain or pending family loss. The vibes from the Gaza culture and Hollywood instant retributive side leaves them with a seemingly easy and cost effective alternative of violence and swift murder.

Each time a man goes on the killing spree and slaughters his girl friend or woman there exists another man somewhere in the dark heartlands of despair, fear and frustration with his own family who is all the more encouraged to follow suit and rid the world of the persons he sees as representing his pain and loss. Such persons in effect have taken away his manhood. And a man without his manhood is no man.

The growing sense of domestic alienation of our men and young boys is sending a strong wake up call for balanced emotional support for the male gender. Many men now seem to have so very little to live for within a happy monogamous relationship. It is far easier for them to just see the need to satisfy their current sex drive and not necessarily to value “settling down” with one woman and their resulting offsprings.

The many teenage boys who have little choice but to become a man before they see puberty because of a missing father represents a flashing amber light in the social dynamics. Upcoming is a generation of tomorrow’s men who have much disappointment, anger, hurt and confusion as to why their should-be role models never stuck around practically in their lives. They have to somehow deal with all the resulting pain before they can even think of having their own successful family.

Women and men have been hurt so much in relationships that a growing percentage of both sexes is starting to have little or no expectations of a future relationship that is built on stability, trust and commitment. The sweetness has been removed from many homes and so there are little incentives to anchor the heart there.


It is the norm that a rape victim will do everything to rid herself of the alleged rapist but a situation on the Caribbean island of Trinidad involving rape has had a very exceptional ending.

In 2008 a man was accused of raping a fourteen year old girl. The matter was taken before the law courts and the man was released on bail.

Now, three years later when the case was called, the thirty year old man informed the court that he and the girl, who is now 17 are married. The judge was also told that the married couple has a child. Can you guess how old the child is?

Their daughter is three years old. That will suggest that the pregnancy happened the same year when the rape charges were filed. So what did the judge do after hearing the marital status of the couple? The case was dismissed and the man left the courtroom a free man.

Some may now argue that the initial sexual act may have very well been of a consensual nature. Could it be that the man and the girl were already fond of each other and may have been sexually involved before 2008? It is not uncommon for a female to cry rape only when she has been discovered in the act by a third-party or under threat of exposure.

But a more urgent question is whether having sex with someone under the age of consent carries mandatory penalties. In 2008 the girl would have been just 14 years old.  Maybe, too, the man decided to wed the girl to preempt a custodial sentence imposed on him by the court.

This is a most unusual case but to find a rape victim falling in love with her rapist must make for interesting analysis.

The summer of 2011  will most certainly be recorded as one with several upheavals in groups protests or out right violence. In a matter of weeks it will be ten years since the terrorist attacks in New York. The world entered a new phase after that. It has been similar to our very rural communities where our older generations will tell of days long gone when they would leave their houses unlocked, clothes on the lines outside and go into the city or the mountains/farms. There was no fear; on their return everything was as they left it. The only difference might be that the clothes were taken up and brought inside by their neighbours after a real or perceived threat of rain.

Today, people keep their homes locked even while they are inside. Such has the open freedom of our civilizations changed over the last few decades. It is a sad realization that as the western world pushes forward with innovations designed to make for a better standard of living, we are gaining more physical assets of high quality but we are losing our priceless ability to be in free safe, free, happy and worthwhile relationships with each other.

That is a tragedy.

What is the price of our 21st century age of technology and general knowledge? There are young people and adults among us who are losing their assurance of their self-worth and acceptance within the very society where they live. A very real divide is growing everyday between the haves and the have-nots.  Yes, it starts with material possessions, but it does not end there. It is said that we are what we own. Those who own little or own nothing are being made to feel that they have somehow failed to reach the minimum mandatory standard necessary to be considered a human being.

That is the highly flammable substance that is being ignited all across the planet. We saw its effects in London, We saw its effects in Philadelphia. We are seeing its effects in Trinidad where policemen are walking off their jobs. We are seeing its effects in Israel where the citizens are recognizing the politicians are very removed and disconnected from the feelings and hurts they are facing (and I don’t mean the struggle against the Palestinians).

Like wildfire, scores of young people and hopeless older persons are silently coming together to literally destroy what most of us appreciate as a “civilized society”. While a tiny percentage of people put their lives together, a larger silent majority are living like lab rats in a maze. And they are getting very fed up of such a cyclical futile existence.

No established traditional leadership in the forms of governments or institutions seem to be able to understand what is going on. In London, the prime minister was cautioned that just arresting thousands of is citizens will not solve the problem: how can a person take advantage of an opportunity to destroy his own village at the first available opportunity?

We have the wrong definition of what makes for human progress and development.

What is the sense having  all of the modern quality goods and services when in the same process  we are also breeding among ourselves a deadly form of real human cancer that is destroying us from within?



Finally, somebody has the guts to come out and say it! City officials in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia, are putting their foot down. As of tonight, any person under age eighteen found out and about on the streets will be taken into custody. Additionally, the mayor’s office is sending a strong warning to parents that if their children have to be picked up off the streets after hours, then the law enforcement officials are likely to come after the parents as well.

I applaud the Philadelphia mayor!

The curfew is being instituted to deal with youth gangs and mob violence. And this is important. Many children, not only inAmerica, are growing up and living as adults before they understand what it means to be a child. This is a dangerous practice that has been ongoing for some time now in many societies. It seems that as soon as a child reaches puberty at age nine or ten he or she is an expert on marijuana use, alcohol consumption, sexual strategies and condom effectiveness. Our children stay out even later than the adults. These days, no body can use the F-u word more than our children. And they seem to invent new curse words, expressions and gestures every passing day.

All of this suggest that something is terribly wrong with today’s parenting. The problem stems from the glorification of sex and the “male sexual conquest”, especially of our black men. You see, men are being socialized–let me rephrase that: boys are being socialized by all around them (family, friends, the community) that all growing up is about is your ability to have and use an erection. All our young men focus on is how can a vagina be had.

The ultimate end is that while the female is seeking a stable relationship to have a family and to keep her man, the man is looking for non stop sex. When the woman figures out she is valued only for the relief of her partner’s back, problems occur. And when the babies come  on the scene, the men do not really love or want a child around them. For one thing pregnancy means sex has to be on the back seat for 9 months and after that the woman has to devote much of her time to baby caring. No time for private sexing. Also, the man has to face the realization that his woman is going to be expecting him to be supplying money to regularly take care of the child.

Most of our children are growing up realizing that their daddy really doesn’t want a thing to do with them. A lot of them leave to find “sense’ out there on the street. There is strength in numbers; the growing youth gangs is evidence of this.

In Philadelphia the local government is understanding the fundamentals of this. The mayor has said very sternly and clearly that if men do not want to take care of their children, they should not make them. The city is not running a baby sitting service, he warned.

Women have sex to start a family with one man. Men have sex so that they can get what the lady has. Men are not having sex because they want to be a parent. The men care aboutthe process, they do not care about the product.

Therein lies the societal problems of fatherless homes and street filled, angry, dysfunctional children. When this generation of boys in particular grows up, what is going to happen to families if they decide that because they grew up without a father then their children must do the same?

Human society may very well come like that of the animal kingdom where a male dog just goes looking for a bitch when it is mating season. Bam! Slam! Thank you madam. Then they walk away and do not look back.

Let us see how the curfew in Philadelphia turns out. More societies need to come forward with their own state implemented curfew. It is becoming quite clear that mothers alone cannot control or rear their children. Look at the many children involved in the London riots. Even girls were arrested.

It is time, too, that parents be asked to attend parenting classes, especially our men. In fact, any man who registers having more than one woman at a time, or who has been in relationships with different women during a six month or a twelve month period should be made to attend such classes.

If not, these parents of at risk children should be held accountable and be confined to supervised labour where the rewards of that labour goes directly to the woman and child (women and children) not being taken care of.

Something has to give. Otherwise, it is society that will give way.

Justin Bieber                                                          

Until a couple years ago the words Justin Bieber only meant an identifiable expression to close friends and family of the then unassuming child. But many things in life are connected to the proverbial domino effect and so with the advent of the Internet and its cousins–the social networks–the circumstances were aligned for a little known Justin to upload some simple home videos for mutual family fun and bonding.

Since then the name Justin Bieber has become unanimous with teenage stardom and the all pursued get rich quick philosophy of the masses of “huslas” youths. Justin has had a sudden change of status and his whole living experience really, that most can only hope to come close to experience via the movies or a good book.

The  global following that he has received from his fellow teens have been largely due to his down to earth attributes as a person. talk with his childhood friends and those who first  sampled his music and you are sure to find out that it was Justin’s physical features, voice quality and humble personality that generated an ascent to the position of a teen idol.

The world probably needed someone to come on the scene at the time when Justin did. One of the world’s most recognizable face and voices had just been silenced. Michael Jackson, how for so many years had epitomized life itself by his extraordinary performances died in 2009. The world of pop music was therefore in some form of mourning and had a vacancy to fill.

A close look at the new multimillion dollar star will now reveal some rather grown up changes that may be an indication that the Justin Bieber that the virgin fans fell in love with has evolved into the superstar Justin Bieber. Fans will observe that his outfits are taking on a permanent on-stage look and the teen is also brandishing earing(s).  The hairstyle is no longer reflective of the simple down to earth child of a few years ago.

One of the biggest changes though, probably has to do with Justin’s emotional or love life. He has, after a few days of denial, jumped headlong into a relationship with Selena Gomez, another teen performer. While they both undoubtedly will have some things in common, one has to wonder to what extent Justin is in control of his personal and even professional life. The world has been privy to the couples rather intimately romantic adventures.  It is no accident that the word virgin was used earlier in this post; however, has stardom catapulted Justin from his own virginity or to embark on a journey of validating the “new cow” theory? Not too long ago the viral information was of a possible break-up of the teen couple over a simple text from Justin to another young lady.

Justin and his girlfriend

Justin’s parents in the earlies were doing what they could to ensure that their son still has a normal coming of age experience. Somehow I don’t think that the influx of monies from performances, product deals and royalties are compatible with that. A look at the  personal lives of stars will reveal that in over 90% of the cases, their relationships seem to last as long as the pair of shoe that they wear. Has Justin been prepared for the emotional seesaw of relationships, especially at such a tender years?

Being a globally recognized figure is always fun. Until it sets in that the media never, ever stops following your every move and action. While Justin has a competent team of advisors I can’t help but wonder if his young emotional needs and concerns are at the heart of the advice given to him. When your friends or advisors suddenly start seeing you as $$ signs and no longer as a human being first—things will never be the same.

The history of child stars as well shows that in too many cases, particularly after their careers have matured and reached a state of decline, they are unable to make a smooth adjustment to life as a regular guy again. Some years ago Jonathan Brandis was a handsomely popular television star. He hanged himself in his room after his career started sliding down a slippery rope. River Phoenix, backed by fame and fortune, sacrificed his existence to illicit drugs usage. Recently, Amy Winehouse died from complications it would seem stemming from alcohol use. (I was wondering the other day if it is a coincidence that someone  with the name Winehouse became an alcoholic).

The intent of this post is to act as a catalyst for a modestly objective but urgent intervention at rehabilitating Justin Bieber so that he can handle his new life. The information suggests that Justin is being considered as a “brat” by persons who are closest to him in his business ventures. He alledgedly made a lot of passengers on a recent flight very uncomfortable by his actions. He refused to give the pilot an autograph as well. Refusing autographs seems also to be a new habit of Justin’s. It seems to me that something is going to give soon where Justin’s stardom is concerned.

There are more negatively ending lives and careers of once-popular child stars that  are all around. Is Justin Bieber surrounded by genuine people who don’t put money-making above life-saving? Is Justin happy with himself? What plans are in place for life after the stage or the glitter of it all?

“Most of us men like women, you know; it’s just that we find them a constant
disappointment….sometimes God bless you with one which is a keeper”

I came across the above statement on face book earlier today and thought right away that it will make for an interesting dialogue. In every generation, in every society, among every people group the heart-break often experienced in relationships is all too common. You cannot run out of love songs that speak to the disappointment from opening and giving your heart to someone.

The above statement is obviously from the view-point of a man. let me be clear in stating that I am not a misogynist so the object of this post is not to be seen as a women-bashing opportunity. I am pretty certain that women may be saying the same thing as well.

However, the statement implies that after constant disappointments a “blessing” comes in the form of a keeper. In our Caribbean vernacular and culture having a keeper means that there is now a third person in the relationship: a love triangle, an extra-marital affair or just a one night stand.

But why do people in relationships often get disappointed. I will propose it is because one or both parties at some point no longer is willing to  continue the adaptation process to continue the connection with the other person.  There are persons, having lived with each other for decades are still learning new things about their partners. Additionally, to grow and remain in love one must each day one wakes “choose” to love and accept the significant other.

In today’s dating arena it is often expected that it is okay to find the easy way out and separate and move on. If we follow the trending patterns of those who have  the good life we might arrive at the erroneous conclusion that having a partner for an intimate relationship is rather like having tires for your vehicle, clothes in your closet, or shoes lined up under the bed somewhere. In other words, we are prepared to have a different partner for the different seasons or situations in life.

One of the very sad things about experiencing disappointments in relationships is that if one is not careful one will not venture into the cold waters of love again. And that community of unwilling lovers seems to be silently growing. And having your heart-broken is not restricted to class, age, sex or ethnicity. Not too long ago, a young man informed me that he spent a night crying because he had so easily and openly given his heart to his girlfriend–even posting love notes on face book and msn messenger–only to be told by the young lady that she does not want him. And both of them are in their teen years.

People in the “Heart Break Hotel” also are victims or perpetrators of violence. Not too long ago while  at a church function I had to intervene in a situation where a young man in his twenties literally pushed, kicked and box his alleged girl friend. His explanation was that he was tired of the girl “making the public laugh at him.” It seemed that the young lady was telling him she wants some space but he happened to be in the vicinity and saw her waiting for another man. And she had reportedly told him she was in another location just moments before via the telephone.

Can couples really successfully safe guard themselves against disappointments in relationships? What are your own experiences? Have you been the cause of someone’s disappointment? Or were you on the receiving end of the disappointment? This is indeed a moot that is deserving of an open and honest dialogue. Let us use the blogosphere to share and learn from each other.

I guess there is no parent who finds it easy to relinquish their protective hold on their growing children, particularly the girl children. It is nature that from the onset of puberty and the activation of hormonal changes, the child now enters a world of some experiences that at first may be scary or unwelcomed. I am certain if you quiz a sample of the ladies you know about their reactions to their  first menstrual cycle, or “period,” you will almost certainly get at least one tale of a very frightened little girl who was scared to death because she believed she was about to die from bleeding.

And that female baptism into puberty has propelled many a parent to say to their baby girl, “You can’t play with boys anymore now.” The confused child is left wondering why.

But in some parts of Africa, the motherland of us Blacks here in the Caribbean, parents have found an easier way to safeguard their young adolescent girls against an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.

As soon as the girl begins to develop physically into the  coca-cola shaped adult, she will begin to have a daily dose of breast ironing.

Older readers may recall  rural life before electricity and the electric iron. Do you remember having to keep the  “iron” in the coalpot until it was red-hot?  Two alternating irons would be used to maintain the required heat at all times during the ironing process.

Well, for these girls in Africa, it was not school uniforms or church clothes that are being pressed; it is their precious growing breasts. (Their parents  really do not want the girls shaking what God gave them.)

The idea behind the ironing of the breasts is that the repeating exposure to the intense heat would slow the growth of the breasts; therefore, if the breasts do not become protruding or give rise to cleavidge, then the boys and young men will find the girls less sexually attractive and will not pursue any relationships with them.

You will have to determine if the ends justifies the means.

There are also documented situations among tribal groups in Africa where, instead of ironing the breasts at puberty’s inception, an older male relative of the girl will have sex with her and make her pregnant,  thereby averting any future relationships with the boys in the village.

Again, you decide if the ends justifies the means.

So, most of us are in the Caribbean because our foreparents came across the Atlantic as slaves. Who knows, if not for slavery, maybe you would have been in Africa right now under a hot iron, having your breasts ironed.

Slavery actually has some good in it, right?

On the other hand, the annual statistics released from the statistical department continues to show that teenage girls in this country continue to give over 300 births. That is a staggering realization. Each year, over 300 of our age 13-16 girls are getting pregnant.

And if you can get pregnant then you can also get a sexually transmitted infection like AIDS.

In 2000, the St Vincent and the Grenadines Family Planning Association conducted a research called Save the Nation’s Face in which they found out that by age 13, one of every four (25%)  Vincentians was already having sex; by age 18, three of every four (75%) Vincentians were having sex.

In light of the just mentioned figures, will our society benefit if we start the practice of ironing the breasts of our young girls here in St Vincent and the Grenadines?

The above stats  will mean that only 25% or one-quarter of the Vincentian population at the legal adult age are virgins. But that was almost twenty years ago. There has been a proliferation of condoms, even for women today, so one might probably be safe to assume that the percentage of Vincentian virgins has decreased since the early 2000s.

So, was a former Vincentian prime minister right when he said that Jesus could not have been born in St Vincent because there are no virgins on the island?

Hmmm…..let us think critically on these things.

Sex is indeed a sweet, honorable, decent and pure act that climaxes the expression of mutual love. However, with the constant public overkill of the sex topic it seems that the word “sex” has become a four letter word; on the contrary it is a common acronym For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge that has become a dirty word but refers to the act of sex.

I am presenting to you some of my reasons why sex has always been and will continue to be a very positive and healthy activity. I hope you not only read but also think deeply on the rest content of this blog post.

Sex is one of (but not) the most enjoyable act you will ever take part in
• Sex offers you the chance to show that you are ready to start your family
• Sex allows you to share with someone special what you hide from everybody else
• Sex is the best human way to bond and be committed to another person
• Sex is God’s gift to you to ensure you are HAPPY with someone else while you live
• Sex is the ultimate act that shows your innocent childhood days are forever gone
• Sex is the final act that shows your days of adult responsibilities have come


• That when you take off your clothes to have sex, you are also taking off your innocent    childhood and your simple happy future as a teenager or young adult
• That the blood spilled by a virgin during sex is the blood of a covenant established by     God, binding the persons having sex together forever
• That covenants are God’s trademark when dealing with humans
Virgins find it hard/impossible to love anyone else the way they love the man whom     they gave their virginity to
• That when you take a girl’s virginity you are robbing her future husband
• That many women “butt” their boyfriends/husbands because they cannot forget about     the man who took their virginity away
• That God expects you to stay forever with the FIRST person you have sex with
• That having your first sex in marriage is the best way to make your marriage work
• That a man is less committed to a woman because he didn’t take her virginity
• That whoever you have sex with remains a part of you forever, even if you break up
• That men and women alike say if they could live over their lives they would wait until       an older age (and for another person) to have their first sex
• That the person you choose at 15 is not the person you will choose at 25
• That if you play with the Sex Covenant, God WILL curse your life
• That if you honour the Sex Covenant, God WILL bless your life

One of the laws of success and ultimate self-actualization is to identify and keep in mind your long term goal(s). As any one of us continues along life’s earthly journey, we have opportunities and moments to celebrate various degrees of accomplishments.

It is at such times that we may feel quite satisfied with ourselves and our past efforts. And why not? Most of us worked really hard to get to where we are; however, we must also not forever rest in the successes of yesterday and accept the comfort they give to us today thereby forfeiting the bigger and better successes of tomorrow.

The purposeful individual has to always be aware of his or her own personal claim to the finer things in life that may obscure the brilliance of future productivity. There are possessions, persons, places and possibilities that may be present in our lives that do make us feel positive about ourselves. Such present day realities are but the scenery along our path to the final destination.

If you examine the word “destination” you will see that it is inflected from the word “DESTINY.

When a person keeps his or her destiny at the front of the mind then it becomes easier to begin to let go of often pleasant and enjoyable possessions, feelings or symbiotic relationships.

There are comfort zones in life that when we remain there we are killing our future dreams or the best future we would have had.

Many persons look back in their lives and realize that back then they would never have been able to imagine that their future would be so fulfilling and successful; however, they were prepared to stay true to their overall purpose and stay on that course.

The easiest way is not always the best way and so today it might very well be easier to accept the happiness or privileges you enjoy from your situations but doing so may not produce the permanent daily joy that you need.

Moreover, if one is unprepared to let go of the present day gratifying circumstances then one will also be pierced with many death-blows as the treasured gratification-suppliers are inevitably snatched from one’s life through the passage and changes of time.

It boils down to a rather simple explanation: give up comforting situations today so that you will have lasting joy tomorrow, or, hold on to present day comforts but suffer in the future.

It will be good for you to remember that others even now are choosing to let go of what they can’t keep in any case. If they are being that wise, so can you.

A woman arrested for drugging her husband before cutting off his penis and throwing it into the garbage disposal was angry about an impending divorce.

Now, this is the kind of headline that makes you go “WHAT?!”

But it is true. The incident took place last Monday July 11, 2011. The norm of sexual grievances has been often perpetrated by men against women, but here is a rare occasion–rare in terms of reporting at least, where the female gender is the culprit.

I want us to consider the rationale behind the wife’s actions. The couple, living in the California area of the USA were married for a couple of years. They seemed to have been getting along quite nicely. But, as in the case of every relationship, including marriages, there must have been underlying growing resentment.

The particular reasons for the husband applying for the divorce are not public just yet, but it is clear that the wife felt that if she wasn’t to have her man anymore then neither should any other woman.

Being in any relationship calls for continuous self-adaptations. Often times one party has unspoken expectations that are not taken as much by the other party. The issue of sex is one of these critical areas of silent unfulfilled expectations.

It may very well be that the couple in question was having sex every night or on an established routine that the man, since it is his sex that got castrated, couldn’t keep up with.

I can also hear my female readers saying that the wife may have done this because of some act of infidelity on behalf of the man. But my argument with that is that if that were the case then it would have been the woman who would have initiated the divorce proceedings. Women often do not hesitate to do this.

Remember the Tiger Woods and Arnold Schwarzenegger affairs?

I have to also input here that the wife, after putting the toxic chemical into her husbands dinner, tied him up when he was incapacitated. The confused husband awoke to find himself strapped to the bed with his wife getting to his penis.

It was the same wife who called the police and told them on their arrival, “He deserve it.”

There has been several instances like this where men have had their lovers take it out on their sex organs. And one will often hear women saying that whenever they are upset with their partner, the first thing to be affected is the halting of sex.

It seems, too, that when this does not suffocate the man that it becomes needful to strike him where it hurts most.

You notice that as young people as well, whenever a woman is in an altercation with a man, she always goes grabbing after the man’s genitals?

So the question I want to leave with you is this: Are our men really safe within their loving relationships, particularly when the female half is nursing an emotional wound?

The lady in this case is back in court on the 22nd. Readers will be kept posted right here.

via Mail Online.

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